đau thương
I struggled to find a translation for multigenerational trauma in Vietnamese. I honestly couldn’t even find a translation for trauma. The best thing I could find was đau thương. This translates to pain but the words separately mean pain and love. While traumas do cause pain, if we can heal from that trauma, we can turn that pain into self-love.
Devices/Programs used: Blue Snowball iCE, Rode NT-USB, Descript, Audacity, iZotope RX9, Hindenburg Pro
Summary
My story is one of more than 3 million (the number of Vietnamese, Laos, and Cambodian people who fled their homeland after the Vietnam War). Growing up, I experienced typical immigrant experiences: struggling to find a balance between learning American culture while retaining my Chinese/Vietnamese culture, having to learn a foreign language, and seeing my parents face challenges with having to start over in a new country. I didn’t know what multigenerational trauma was and how it could affect me. I thought my experiences were “normal” and I thought the feeling of not truly belonging was something everyone felt. The more I read about it, the more everything made sense and I slowly understood that what I felt was a product that cycled through generations. This project was a product of me wanting to break the cycle.
When I initially began this project, the intended audience was myself. I wanted this to be a personal project that would only be shared between my professor and my close friends and family. However, after talking about this during one of my earlier classes, I decided I wanted to share this publicly in hopes that it would educate more people on multigenerational trauma. While the stories are told from an Asian American immigrant perspective, multigenerational trauma is something that affects non-immigrant communities and is important to understand as a way to begin the healing process.
Episode 1: What is multigenerational trauma
In episode 1, I define multigenerational trauma and talk about my family’s experiences during and after the Vietnam War. My grandfather and paternal uncles were Vietnam war veterans and experienced various forms of trauma. While other maternal and paternal family members did not have to fight in the war, they lived through it and thus internalized their traumas in their own ways. As a first generation immigrant, I wanted to explore this topic in hopes to understand and heal.
Intro and out-tro music credit: Ambient 6 by PodcastAC. Licensed under Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0). An excerpt was taken from this audio clip.
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Hi, my name is Linda and I am a first generation Asian American immigrant. My family emigrated to the states from Vietnam when I was 5 years old. While I was fortunate enough to experience life in America. My family grew up during the Vietnam war and left many of their close relationships behind to start over in a foreign country.
The Vietnam War, like all wars, was destructive in so many ways.
My maternal grandfather served as a general for the Southern Vietnam army. He was later captured and imprisoned for many years. During his years in jail, he was whipped and starved for days on end by the communist regime.
My maternal grandmother had to raise 6 children on her own and faced prosecution for betraying her country by having a husband who fought with American troops. My mother was one of the oldest children and was put in charge of making sure her siblings were safe.
My paternal grandfather was not a Vietnamese citizen and was exempt from having to enlist in the war. My paternal grandmother did her best to protect her children to no avail as many of my paternal uncles ended up having to fight in the war. My father was also put in charge of his family from a very young age while his siblings were away.
My parents lost their formative years.
They were forced to grow up quickly during a time where nothing was certain. Education was greatly restricted during the war. Because of this, my parents were unable to achieve higher education because the communist regime believed westernized education was poisoning minds.
My family was forced into a life of poverty. My parents had to begin working at a young age in order to provide financial support for their families.
I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for them during this time.
Growing up, I always wondered why my parents struggled with expressing their emotions in a healthy way.
I noticed it would always be in extremes. They would either express no emotion or it would be so intense and overwhelming that no one knew how to cope with it.
I always thought they were in denial about how they truly felt. I didn’t know this stemmed from what they experienced growing up in a country divided by war.
I later learned that this was common in immigrant families.
Immigrants who experienced types of trauma such as war, violence, and political oppression manifested their trauma as post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. Because the trauma the earlier generations experienced was never fully processed. They never got to heal. Their trauma was passed down and later internalized in younger generations. This is known as intergenerational trauma. It is also known as multigenerational trauma.
In the next three episodes, I will continue exploring multigenerational trauma.
I will talk about the effects of trauma on the body and how it can affect the way our DNA is expressed. This is known as epigenetics.
I will then explore the effects of multigenerational trauma on younger generations through a series of interviews with some of my dear friends.
And finally I will talk about how to heal from trauma. While this is a heavy topic and not often talked about in the Vietnamese American community. I hope this will help begin a process of understanding and healing.
Thank you for listening and I hope you will continue this journey with me.
Episode 2: Multigenerational trauma and epigenetics
In episode 2, I talk about epigenetics. Epigenetics is defined as the study of how behaviors and the environment can affect how our genes are expressed. While this episode is very science heavy, I try to make the information more digestible.
Intro and out-tro music credit: Ambient 6 by PodcastAC. Licensed under Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0). An excerpt was taken from this audio clip.
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Hello. This is Linda and I am back to talk about multigenerational trauma.
There is research that shows the effects of trauma can be passed down through epigenetics. So today’s episode is all about epigenetics. This is a very science heavy episode so please bear with me as I try to break it down for you.
Before we dive into epigenetics, let me give you a brief overview of what DNA is since this is related to epigenetics. In short, DNA contains all of our genetic instructions. It provides instructions on how to develop, live, and reproduce. So it is a big deal when a change affects our DNA.
Epigenetics is defined as the study of how our behavior and our environment can alter how our DNA is expressed. It doesn’t necessarily mean our DNA is modified but rather how our body reads a DNA sequence is modified.
Researchers who study epigenetics investigate how certain events can change how our DNA is expressed and how that can be passed onto future generations. For example, when someone experiences a traumatic event, small chemical tags are added or removed from their DNA as a response to that event. These small changes allow us to adapt to our environment without making a permanent change to our DNA.
There are studies that are currently being conducted on whether these epigenetic changes can be passed down through generations. This would mean traumatic experiences in life could impact a family for generations. This does not mean that a family is “doomed” if their ancestors experienced trauma. Epigenetic changes are reversible and we can heal from trauma.
Rachel Yehuda is a pioneer in epigenetics and is well known for her research on multigenerational trauma and PTSD. She has worked with war veterans, Holocaust surivors, and other victims of trauma to determine the biological roots of PTSD. Her research has shown that children of traumatized parents are at risk of similar challenges due to epigenetic changes being passed on to them.
One of Rachel Yehuda’s early studies involved Vietnam War veterans. She and another researcher found that a stress hormone called cortisol was surprisingly low among the Veterans. Another surprising finding was how the veterans had biological markers that supported their early theory of epigenetics.
Another study specifically investigated the effects of unresolved emotions surrounding the Vietnam War found that certain traumatic beliefs, feelings, and behaviors are passed down to children of those who fought in the war. These children experienced decreased self-worth, challenges with emotional regulation and stress management, and anxiety.
This is something I will expand upon in the next episode when I include stories from my friends who are also children of parents who lived through the Vietnam War.
Wow. Okay. That was a lot of information.
While it might seem like negative information. I want to clarify that this is not meant to be negative.
Changes happen so humans can adapt to their environment.
In many ways, these changes can be positive. For those who are affected by epigenetic changes and experience unresolved emotions such as PTSD, it opens up conversations about mental health.
It opens up conversations in general, honestly.
Especially conversations about difficult things. All of this is to show that the effects of trauma last. It can be passed on from generation to generation. And if we don’t talk about it. If we don’t acknowledge it, then there is a chance these epigenetic changes will continue to be passed on.
I think that’s what this is all about.
Understanding what trauma is, how it affects us biologically and emotionally, and talking about it so that we are finally able to begin healing.
Episode 3: Anecdotes from Amy Duong, Thao Nguyen, and Tiffany Huynh-Isaacs
In episode 3, three of my dear friends provide personal stories about how multigenerational trauma has affected them. Amy talks about feeling enough. Thao talks about her struggles with depression. Tiffany talks about the dynamic of marriage as a disappearing concept after having children.
Intro and out-tro music credit: Ambient 6 by PodcastAC. Licensed under Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0). An excerpt was taken from this audio clip.
Anecdotes music credit: String balad by UneeKStringZ. Licensed under CC0 1.0 Universal (CC0 1.0) Public Domain Dedication. Excerpts were taken from this audio clip.
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Linda Luu’s Transcript
Hi, it’s Linda again. I’ve asked three of my dear friends to provide insight on how multigenerational trauma has affected them. Their parents also grew up during the Vietnam War and later came to the states. Each of my friends talks about different topics. From feeling enough of lack thereof, to loneliness and depression, and the dynamic of marriage as a disappearing concept.
Thank you to Amy, Thao, and Tiffany for sharing your stories. I hope that this will inspire others in the Vietnamese-American community to speak their truth and share their experiences, knowing that they are not alone.
Amy Duong’s Transcript
My name is Amy. I am a 30 year old, first generation Vietnamese American.
My parents were both Vietnamese refugees that spent time in the Malaysian camps prior to coming to America.
My dad left Vietnam at 15 years old and came to America in 1980. My mom left Vietnam at 27 years old, and came to America in 1989.
Both left their entire families behind in hopes of finding a better life. To this day, all of my blood relatives are still in Vietnam.
After coming here, my parents did what they could to learn English and to make a living in order to survive successfully.
My dad worked as a sales representative at LAX airport for 15 years.
My mom was introduced to the Nail technician trade as soon as she arrived in America.
When 9/11 happened, my dad lost his job and had trouble finding another job. An opportunity came and my parents decided to open up a nail salon and work for themselves. I was 10 years old at the time and my younger brother was 6.
My younger brother and I spent our formative years growing up as children of Nail salon owners. After school, we went straight to “the shop.”
We spent many hours sweeping the floors, folding towels, and doing our homework in the back room.
My parents were open for 7 days a week for almost 15 years to make sure we always had enough to cover our basic needs. Because of their sacrifices, I made sure to work hard in school.
I graduated undergrad at UCLA with a psychology major and education minor and I also hold a Master’s of Science in Occupational therapy. I currently work as a pediatric occupational therapist with babies who are born with developmental delays.
How has multigenerational trauma affected me?
Well to be honest, I really struggled in how to talk or discuss about multigenerational trauma. Then today, it hit me.
I was shopping at Target to find a birthday gift for a client of mine who was turning 2 years old.
As I was shopping for a developmentally appropriate toy, I stumbled on a Mr. Potato head and thought “this is perfect!”
My immediate next thought was “is this enough?
This past year alone, they got me cookies for my birthday, a gift card for halloween, a Christmas gift … it goes on.
I couldn’t help but think that this toy I got just wasn’t enough.
I ended up gifting them a gift card as well. This made me feel better and that it was “enough.”
Every time I receive a gift, I feel as though I can’t accept the generous gift or that the next opportunity I have to give something, I need to give in the same capacity or more to show my gratitude.
As I drove home, I couldn’t help but notice the feeling of something being “enough” is probably a product of multigenerational trauma.
Escaping the war with almost nothing, and living in a refugee camp, my parents learned that the simple clothes on their backs were “enough.”
Any help offered to them, my parents felt ashamed that they couldn’t give anything so they often used their helping hands to return the favor.
Growing up, I distinctly remember that anytime anyone offered to help or give my parents something, they always felt indebted to them and had to essentially return the favor to show their gratitude.
For example, if my mom’s client went on a trip and got her a souvenir, my mom would give the client a discount on their nails that day as a thank you.
Accepting gifts was difficult for my parents because they felt they always had to give something in return the next time they saw that person. This mentality was passed onto me and still lives with me to this day.
I think acknowledging these feelings is the first step in healing. I clearly still struggle with these feelings, but I am slowly learning to question these feelings and reflect on why.
Perhaps I feel undeserving of receiving gifts or receiving help because it stems deeply from the refugee history of my parents.
My parents and other immigrant parents left everything behind when they fled.
They never had “enough” and were always trying to survive.
So when they DID have enough, they felt like they always needed to help others who were struggling. Or maybe they feel they can never repay back the people who helped them, so they are perpetually trying to find ways to give back and help when they can.
I have also started to gift with more intention recently instead of just “giving” to feel like it’s “enough” to make myself feel better.
Honestly, I’m not sure if I have healed or if I am even coping well, but I do believe that talking about this helps.
I hope that by sharing my story, I can connect with others who might be feeling the same.
Thao Nguyen’s Transcript
My name is Thao. I am 36 years old and I am a first generation Vietnamese American. I have one older brother who is 17 years older. When I was 7 years old, our family of four immigrated from Vietnam to the United States.
My dad fought in the Vietnam War and was held captive in one of their reeducation camp prisons. This allowed us to immigrate in 1993 to the United States by sponsorship under the program Humanitarian Operation. Also called HO. We were sponsored by a Buddhist monk and stayed in a monastery for the first 3 months before moving to our own place.
I attended UCLA for my undergraduate studies, and I have a Bachelor’s of Science in Anthropology. I worked at Kaiser Permanente for 7 years as a support coordinator helping patients with their diabetic management. Currently I am married and I am a stay at home mom for two boys.
My parents spent more than half of their lifetime in Vietnam which meant that both of them had experienced some type of hardship or trauma. My father was the youngest of 9 from the countryside. He stayed in a Buddhist monastery for 25 years because there wasn’t enough money for food and schooling.
Later, he fought in the Vietnam War for 4 years and was held captive in their re-education camp prison for another 10 years. My mother took care of my brother by herself for almost 14 years. Despite the trauma that they both already experienced, they were both willing to start over in a foreign land without any help from family or friends so that we may all have a better future.
On their journey of learning everything again in a foreign land, they made it a habit of internalizing all their emotional distress, hardships, and sacrifices in order to protect my brother and I from any negative feelings they had to go through themselves. However, this did not protect me when I started having my own feelings of sadness and loneliness. I did not know how to navigate through it all, to find solutions, to cope with those feelings. I subconsciously learned that it was normal to not share my feelings nor ask for help.
From elementary school until high school, I was often left alone on campus, or at a nearby library, or at home by myself all day while everyone worked. This resulted in dealing with any bullying or academic difficulties by myself. It soon became a pattern that any feelings of anxiety or unhappiness should be suppressed and dealt with independently.
During my senior year, I started experiencing depression. USC was my first choice for college but unfortunately I was not admitted. UC Berkeley was my second choice, but I was also not admitted. The one school I did not want to attend was UCLA, but strangely I was admitted. I did not know at the time how important it was to openly talk about my feelings of rejection, loneliness, and hopelessness so my depression actually worsened. I stopped attending two or three of my classes a few times a week, I stopped doing all my homework, I stopped showering, and I just slept all the time. My grades worsened, especially in Calculus. That was a requirement at the time that I needed to pass all my classes by the end of the year in order to keep my UCLA admission status. However, I failed Calculus, and my UCLA admission was revoked. I was too embarrassed to tell my parents, but mainly I was too afraid to be disowned. I’ve never brought home any grade lower than a B before, let alone a Fail. I retook Calculus at UCLA in the summer and got a B and my admission was then reinstated.
Since I did not address those feelings from my senior year, it did not get resolved. My entire time at UCLA was filled with feelings of rejection, and hopelessness. In my freshman year, I attended one session to see a psychologist but I did not continue because it felt too unusual to talk about my feelings to a complete stranger. Enter sophomore year, I also tried to talk to a peer counselor at UCLA but was unsuccessful in discussing any of my anxiety or depression because it still felt unusual to ask for help. My grades suffered and I was placed on academic probation three times. When I was finally qualified to graduate, I was too embarrassed about my unsuccessful college years and I decided to not walk the stage.
During my time at Kaiser Permanente, I was having multiple relationship issues with my partner. I wanted to try counseling again and I decided to see one from the Employee Assistance Program. In my first session with her, I do not remember exactly what she asked me but after the first question, I started pouring out all my feelings of angst and sadness. I could not stop crying for an entire hour and she encouraged me to actually continue to cry as much as I wanted to. I felt an immediate sense of relief. I no longer felt that heavy burden that was in my heart or in my mind. I was so grateful to finally have someone to share my feelings with. Afterwards, I broke up with my partner and later on I met my husband.
Currently, I’m learning to resolve my feelings of stress and anxiety by talking about it more openly with my husband and crying whenever I feel sad. Also after being a mother, I learned that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength and courage because I’m taking control of my overall well-being by letting others know that I am feeling overwhelmed. I am grateful that my husband has been a pillar of emotional support.
I no longer feel like I have to navigate everything by myself anymore. The loneliness sometimes creeps back in but I’m learning that by sharing about the loneliness, I am actually not alone at all. I have close friends that often have similar experiences and feelings like I do.
Tiffany Huynh-Isaacs’s Transcript
Hi, I’m Tiffany Huynh, and I’m the youngest child of two Vietnamese refugees who emigrated to the States at the end of the VN war in 1975. My mom had a more privileged experience escaping VN. She and her family were sponsored by my aunt’s husband who served in the U.S. Agency for International Development.
My dad, on the other hand, had a much more common experience. He’s, as many would call him, a boat person. A FOB. On Black April, my dad escaped by ship with his mother and great uncle. Eventually after traveling to other countries like Guam and the Philippines, he would eventually meet and marry my mom in Hawaii.
In startling contrast, my life isn’t quite so interesting. Obviously. I’m 32 years old, recently married, and have been teaching for 8 years at a community college as a part time English instructor.
This is a tricky topic to tackle because multigenerational trauma is so broad and encapsulates a lot of different types of trauma. I think that most people would expect the traumas that affect me most are ones caused directly by the war’s impact on my parents. But I think this would be disingenuous. If there weren’t a war, I’d still experience different types of multigenerational trauma because a lot of what’s normalized in our community as acceptable cultural practices, I think, are actually more problematic and trying mentally.
“Normal” struggles experienced within families, I typically would argue, shouldn’t be labeled as traumas because they’re more like bereavements because they’re normal parts of life; they cause pain but maybe not necessarily trauma, but, I categorize my
struggles with being a wife as a trauma because of the lingering and negative impact marriage has had on my mom and her sisters.
It sounds off-topic to your project’s focus–which are traumas caused by the immigrant experience. So, I guess in that respect, the connection between this marital trauma and the immigrant experience is relatable when I draw comparisons to the ways marriage was portrayed in American TV shows. Like despite having watched shows like Family Matters and Fresh Prince of Bel Air, my take on marriage was more heavily influenced by my mom’s and her family’s experience with marriage.
In contrast to seeing on screen how couples can both foster a relationship with the spouse while still fulfilling their roles as parents, I was taught since I was as early as 4 years old, that marriage is but a stepping stone to the real role everyone’s meant to strive for–and that’s being a parent. Marriage ends once children are born because the role of a parent is more important than that of husband and wife.
So when I would hear my mom and her sisters’ supposedly sound and wise advice repeatedly over the past 25+ years. You know, wise because they’re older and had first hand experience with marriage, most of which were failed marriages, let me emphasize that––it didn’t make sense to me.
Why did they see marriage and parenting as independent from one another?
This was different from the TV shows I saw, and even from some of my friends’ parents growing up.
I’d see my friends’ parents–black, white, hispanic, or happa–they’d be affectionate with each other during school events. Come to think of it, my friends who also had immigrant parents did things similar to mine. And my parents and my extended family were good parents, but they always fell short when it came to being reliable and loving marital partners. They neglected fostering the relationship with one another to the point that, like I mentioned, the example of what a healthy marriage looks like was near non-existent for me. I realized that maybe this acceptance of how marriage and family are supposed to be might be the cause of the many failed marriages in my family.
I didn’t want to create a marriage with my husband that would be unsustainable.
And I didn’t want to raise our kids in a joined yet broken household.
In regards to healing with my trauma, this journey has been made easier because of my husband who has had his parents as good examples of what a marriage can or should look like. I don’t know if it’s important to specify, but he and his family are very white. You’ve got a mixture of Irish, Lithuanian, Polish, Italian…all sorts of European in them. Maybe the Euro-practice and understanding of marriage alongside parenting is more normalized. I don’t know. But based on the stories I would hear from my husband, it sounded like his mom and dad put in the effort to continue working on their marriage alongside being parents to him and his younger sister.
Long story short, I’ve learned to heal and cope with the help of my husband. I would have open talks with him about the different pieces of advice I’ve heard about love and marriage, and he’d be befuddled wondering “How in the world did you ever believe in marriage and how did you turn out not damaged?”
I let him know when I’m feeling any reservations or insecurities about our marriage.
All of which are internal issues because my husband hasn’t given me reason to feel insecure. He often listens to me in order to better understand why I think and act the way that I do in order to know how best to respond to me when I might pull away from him, which has really helped me. Simply by being there to listen to me I know that we’re working on ending the marital curse or trauma I’ve experienced.
Episode 4: How to heal
In my final episode, I talk about how to heal. In order to heal, we must first acknowledge our traumas. I also talk about a time when I was struggling with the angst of being a child of immigrant parents and read an excerpt of Thi Bui’s illustrated novel titled The Best We Could Do.
Intro and out-tro music credit: Ambient 6 by PodcastAC. Licensed under Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0). An excerpt was taken from this audio clip.
Except music credit: Female humming by drotzruhn. Licensed under Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0). An excerpt was taken from this audio clip.
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Hi. This is Linda and we have reached the final episode on our journey together about multigenerational trauma.
As an immigrant, there are so many different types of burdens that we carry. Many stemming from multigenerational trauma. I wondered if there was any way my family could heal from it. If I could heal from it.
So our final episode is all about how to heal.
Research has shown that in order to break the cycle, we must first acknowledge it. The more aware we are about it, the more we are able to prevent it.
Educating the public on what trauma is and how their past or present trauma can affect their loved ones is another way to heal. Training front line professionals on how members in the surrounding community experience types of trauma is another form of education.
And finally. There is therapy. While there is still a lot of stigma surrounding therapy, it can be helpful to work with a trained professional to identify the root cause of trauma and how to move past it. This type of therapy is called internal family systems or IFS where the focus is on the self.
Growing up, I always felt like my parents carried around a painful burden. I didn’t know this stemmed from their trauma. They would often tell me stories about their struggles. Stories that I wasn’t ready for. I wanted to do anything in my power to understand where they were coming from. I wanted them to leave the pain behind.
Years ago, when I was struggling with all of this angst. A friend of mine recommended a book titled The Best We Could Do by Thi Bui. She said “Linda you have to read this. I think this book will help you.”
The Best We Could Do is a memoir about Thi and her family who are also immigrants from Vietnam. It chronicles their life before, during, and after the Vietnam War. The illustrated novel touches upon many common themes that immigrants experience. Upon reading it, I cried buckets. I had never felt so seen prior to this and I encourage everyone to read it. Here’s an excerpt:
“How much of me is my own and how much is stamped into my blood and bone, predestined? I used to imagine that history had infused my parents' lives with the dust of a cataclysmic explosion. That it had seeped through their skin and become part of their blood. That being my father’s child, I, too, was a product of war and being my mother’s child, could never measure up to her. But maybe being their child simply means that I will always feel the weight of their past. Nothing that happened makes me special. But my life is a gift that is too great - a debt I can never repay.”
My parents are survivors. They lived through so much trauma but were still able to build a new life in America. They did everything in their power so I could have a better life. I can only hope to one day repay this debt to them. I think I can start by sharing their story in hopes that it will inspire others to do the same.
I want to end by thanking the following people who supported me through this process.
Thank you to my professor for assigning and guiding us through this process.
Thank you to my partner and my friends for being my sounding board and for supporting me.
To my friends who participated in my project, thank you so much for sharing your stories.
To my parents and extended family. I am sorry. I am sorry you saw your country get torn apart. I am sorry you lost so many things and people. I can only hope that we are able to share our stories and understand each other.
Thank you for coming with me on this journey exploring multigenerational trauma. I hope it was as informative and emotive for you as it was for me.